Nearly four decades after UK shoppers were asked to wrap the Union Jack around their trolleys, the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) is determined to put the ‘Great’ back into Britain and on to the dinner table.
In addition to the much publicised manifesto pledge to seal off the Channel Tunnel, UKIP has now revealed its ‘Back to Basics’ plan that covers:
Pasta – Pasta will face a massive tax hike and is to be removed from all school menus and replaced with King Edward potatoes.
Pizza – Everything from the Hawaiian to the Chorizo will be replaced with the traditional ‘Ploughman’s Lunch’ but with extra chutney.
Wine – Special import licences will mean an average bottle could cost as much as £150. Home produced scrumpy, real ale and gin will be heavily subsidised.
Cheese – No more ‘runny French stuff’ can be imported with all shelf space going to British favourites like Red Leicester, Stilton and Wensleydale.
Sausages – There can only be one… the British banger, fried not grilled.
A UKIP spokesman dismissed rumours that the Party’s agenda included re-opening all the mills in the industrial heartlands and forcing children to work a 12-hour day climbing up chimneys.
“If we could re-open the mines, we’d consider it,” he admitted, “but the main thrust of our approach is that Johnny Foreigner needs to get back across the Channel and take his garlic with him.
“This country enjoyed its greatest period when we lived in Splendid Isolation; the only way we should go into Europe is how we did it 60 years ago – by landing craft.”
6th September 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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