The Government has been under increasing pressure to push its anti-fox hunting legislation through as a Home Office advisor told us yesterday: "You can incinerate all the mildly diseased pigs you like, but foxes have to be treated more humanely because they're quite cute."
However, in a new development, the adviser also told us that the Home Secretary had "no objection whatsoever" to the soon to be underemployed huntspeople tracking down and maiming suspected rural criminals at will. "No-one finds burglars or vandals cute. We've checked."
Government strategists are said to have persuaded the Home Secretary that the banning of foxhunting may lose him a "haystack-load" of votes at the next general election and the problem of rural crime may lose him "a whole damn barnsworth more" in country areas. He therefore views this proposal as a major initiative to solve these serious electoral dangers.
From now on country toffs will be entitled - as of right - to range over the countryside looking for car thieves, shoplifters and graffiti artists, and putting them to the chase. Once caught, the criminals will be humanely torn apart by wild dogs before being blasted through the head with a shotgun.
A spokesman for the Countryside Alliance, Lord Helpus, said from his country estate that, "this is a marvellous initiative. At a stroke it will give many of our poshest and richest members the chance to exercise their Saturday morning hereditary bloodlust, while doing the rest of the community a favour at the same time! It's truly a third way policy."
The proposal is also being viewed by the Government as a major cost-cutting exercise. In the words of one Home Office Official, "it saves the whole tedious and rather expensive process of catching the criminals, putting them on trial, feeding them, and then putting them up in prisons for ages at the expense of the British taxpayer." Not bothering to hide his obvious enthusiasm for the new plan, he continued, saying "this new method is cheap, efficient and reasonably clean. As for the humanitarian angle - this scheme will actually do criminals a favour. After all, the truly fit ones will survive to re-offend another day".
Despite this it has been suggested that the plans may be in breach of the United Nations Torture Convention, which has apparently pleased the Home Secretary "immensely".
18th September 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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