The ban will "protect individuals from themselves," claimed the Home Secretary, David Blunkett, speaking at the launch of the new policy. Mr Blunkett, explained that the activities involved "unacceptable risks" to the "reckless and wanton" individuals who indulge in recreational climbing. "They may feel that they are simply indulging in a personal pleasure that doesn't harm wider society, but who has to pick up the pieces when they fall off a mountain or slip on an icy glacier? The tax payer, that's who," intoned Mr Blunkett darkly. "It is obvious that the only way to protect these people and society at large from their callous irresponsible clambering is to declare it illegal and force these evil doers underground. Which reminds me, I must look into pot holing, too."
The new policy identifies different mountain ranges and classifies them according to a set of criteria including height, steepness and difficulty of ascent. Class A ranges, such as the Himalayas or Andes, will carry higher penalties than Class B ranges, such as the Pyrenees. These in turn will carry a custodial sentence higher than Class C escarpments, which include the South Downs, Ongar Hill and several large slag heaps in Yorkshire. However, a furious international row has already broken out regarding the classification of the French Alps which Mr Blunkett has classified as "smaller than Ben Nevis and not really worth bothering about" whilst the French have insisted that the Eiffel Tower is excluded as providing an essential medical function to the "national psyche"
The Government has acknowledged that the policy may hurt a number of poor regions, including South America, Afghanistan and Eastern Europe, who benefit from their status of "mountain growing communities." However, Mr Blunkett has pointed out the harm the communities do by encouraging the use of "hard rock" and has promised to provide financial assistance for mountain replacement policies. These include helping local communities to pull down "addictive and dangerous" rockfaces and replace them with facilities acceptable to the west, such as theme parks or take away restaurants.
Reports have already started of networks of criminal gangs moving in to offer abseiling, hiking and "full scale climbing" to addicts. Dealers offer a cocktail of "highs" to users and the Government is especially worried that soft activities, such as hill-walking, could be used to lead people into harder recreations. It has promised to put money into replacement therapies such as gymnasiums or home-fitness machines.
Reports continue to flood in of desperate mountaineers indulging in burglaries and muggings to obtain money to support thier habit and international gangs setting up money laundering services and prostitution rings with the cash generated from the supply of illegal climbs. However, the Government declared itself "unutterably satisfied" with the success of the new policy and has promised to bring forward legislation to prohibit other risky solo activities including shot putting and long jumping as well as taking "a good hard look at masturbation, yum."
13th September 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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