According to Sir Douglas Whistlethwaite-Twickenham-Ramsbottom, spokesman for the aristocracy and champion of the pro-hunting lobby, the passing of the Countryside and Rights of Way (CROW) Act and the government's setting of the date for a free Commons vote on the future of fox-hunting and hare-coursing, is the last straw in a long process that has seen the inalienable rights of the great landowners eroded to the point of being lost altogether.
On September 19th the first of 3,200 square miles of privately-owned mountain, moor and downland will be opened to ramblers as the CROW legislation takes effect. The access land will become available to the public in a rolling programme between then and November 2005.
Sir Douglas told us that opening up privately-owned land to the masses would inevitably lead to the final end of the feudal system that made Britain great - a system, he said, that has been under constant attack since the days of the Magna Carta, and particularly since Oliver Cromwell.
He noted that executing or seriously maiming poachers, as well as jus primae noctis, rights once enjoyed by the aristocracy, have been illegal, or at least frowned upon, for a long time, and suggested that the rot first set in when those rights were lost. He said that much of the moorland and downland to be opened up is prime recreational land and traditional countryside activities such as shooting pheasants and grouse, knowing the Chief Constable, and employing local rustics will soon disappear once hordes of townies converge on it with their crisp wrappers and lager bottles and demands for ice-cream vans and toilets.
He added that if, as expected, foxhunting is banned, there would be little point in the aristocracy remaining in the UK. Asked where they might be looking for their new home, Sir Douglas said that if George W Bush is re-elected as President of the USA in November, the United States would be a strong possibility, since it would continue to be a country that knew how to treat its rich people. Otherwise, he said, it looked like South America, Argentina or Patagonia, perhaps. He added that Africa was clearly out of the question, citing the disastrous experiment in giving Britain's former colonies independence.
Madonna, an alleged American entertainer and owner of a large estate in the UK, was unavailable for comment.
In related news, we have been unable to confirm a rumour that Prince Philip has threatened to shoot "any bloody little oick" that "trespasses" on royal land. However, it is thought to be unlikely that he would be able to carry out his threat in any case, as it is believed that Her Majesty has locked all his guns away for safekeeping after a series of embarrassing incidents.
14th September 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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