"There seem to be numerous non Christian beard-sporters getting away with crimes either because of a lack of evidence, trumped up charges, or maybe no one saw them do it. In today's world of increased international terrorism we need to stop these people before they go on to nearly commit a crime again."
"In this bill I have addressed the alarming lack of evidence in many terrorism cases. This situation arises not because, as many namby pamby human rights people think, that they didn't do it, but rather that they are wily little beggars who are too good at covering their own tracks."
"Many suspects have failed to provide a reasonable account of their actions when pressed (against an electric stove ring). This and the fact that they won't speak any English clearly indicates they are up to something."
The "Definitely Maybe" clause, although intended for terrorists, could be invoked "as and whenever needed to protect national security or bang up Johnny Foreigner". Judges for the case will be instructed to measure the case as follows; "If you truly believe that the man before you looks like he did it, or that if it wasn't him it was one of his mates, then you must return a verdict of 'Definitely Maybe'".
Mr Blunkett pointed out, that in accordance with reasonable democratic behavior, there was an open debate regarding the bill yesterday. "Many MP's have complained that they were not invited to the debate regarding the new legislature, which came into effect last midnight. I don't understand this because it was clearly labeled on my office door; 'Meeting in Progress, Do Not Disturb.'"
Statistics released by the home office to coincide with Mr Blunkett's announcement indicate that one in every five immigrants is probably a terrorist, "if only we had something to pin on them."
11th September 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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