So far, only the few members of each team who chose to hide under beds or behind doors in the immediate vicinity of the game's starting point have been captured, but there is a strong suspicion that these may not be the masterminds behind the respective teams' plans.
Officials were said to be growing weary of the ceaseless monotony of the final round, which they feared was driving spectators away, and had even tried to stage a hoax awards ceremony last week in a desperate attempt to draw the contestants out into the open. The elaborate ceremony involved Craig David and Barbara Streisand performing an opening rap-duet followed by one-thousand ice-dancers and synchronised swimmers moving in sync to a light and music dispaly by Jean Michel Jarre, but it was obviously not enough to impress any of the competitors into revealing their hiding place.
Officials did admit that it may have been their fault for not agreeing any end-date to the game in advance, but said that they had not appreciated the full intricacies of the game when it began. The Iraqi and Afghan teams taught them how complex it could get.
They have now been forced to issue large cash rewards in conjunction with the Pentagon and the CIA for information as to the whereabouts of any of the competitors. They are also offering smaller prizes of herds of goats for vague clues or cryptic hints.
None of the players could be found for a comment on the likely outcome. Their managers and coaches were nowhere to be found either.
7th September 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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