International relations took an unusual turn last night when members of a secret Scottish order invited French striker Zinedine Zidane to be crowned King of Scotland.
Fresh from his last minute victory against England in the Euro 2004 Championships, Zidane was at a loss to explain his sudden meteoric rise in popularity with the Scottish people. Although Celtic links between France and Scotland have been long established, it is the first time in history that a French national has been crowned. The Stone of Destiny was stolen by the Order in 1986, and returned to Scone Palace, where it had been used hundreds of years ago to crown the Kings of old. The return of the stone has signified a green card to the Order to crown whomever they choose, although no King had been selected until last night. Overjoyed with his new Royal status, His Majesty Zidane has promised to continue his world class football, while maintaining his Royal duties which mainly consist of knighting other members of the French squad, such as Thiery Henry for "outstanding bravery in the face of pungent adversity".
The Secret Order, known as the Order of the Haggis, have insisted that they have not selected their King based solely on his performance in a football match, although sceptics have been quick to point out that previous candidates have included Diego Maradona and Juergen Klinsmann.
In a related story, Scottish newspapers are comparing England's clash with the French in Euro 2004 with the Battle of Bannockburn 1314 AD, when, in the words of Mel Gibson: "Patriots of Scotland, starving and out-numbered charged the fields of Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets, they fought like French footballers and won their freedom forever". Until it was sold to English land owners for money and titles, since which, the Scottish have remained belligerent and stubborn about their dislike for English football.
21st June 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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