Patrons of the Intransigent Whippet Working Men's club in Denaby, South Yorks, were celebrating last night when two of its oldest members, Melvyn Hepplethwaite and Tommy Schermeld, broke the world record for the most amount of ignorance articulated in a 30 minute period.
The National Ignorance Tournament, now in its fifth year, asks contestants to offer their opinions about a range of topics and awards marks for the lack of knowledge shown. Bonus marks are given for the most convincing tone of voice with which the unawareness is spouted, an area where the two OAP Yorkshiremen destroyed the competition.
Both men, neither of whom has ventured further than Hull, were in the zone, discoursing confidently on a wide range of worldly topics that they clearly knew nothing about. Highlights included when Melvyn was asked to discuss the growing HIV problem in Africa. He thought about the question for a moment before replying that "the AIDS" was started by "the Gays" when one of "that lot" got "lost in the jungle" and "bummed a monkey".
Tommy, nodding sagely along but, clearly not wanting to be outdone, thought about this for a while before he added that he'd once met "one of them Nig-Nog's". When Tommy was asked if he didn't think his last comment might be construed as racist, he replied "Eh?", receiving yet more bonus points.
Also discussed was the problems in the Middle East, which Tommy blamed on a diet of "sheep’s eyes"; global warming, which Melvyn blamed on "young people not having any manners" and the moral dilemma over cloning was summed nicely up by Melvyn when he said that "them scientist fellas shouldn't fuck about with other peoples sheep”
13th June 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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