The plans were unveiled by Managing Director of NATS, Roger Chapman at a press conference, in a specially reinforced concrete bunker at Heathrow airport, yesterday. He explained that, "since privatisation we obviously have to adjust to the commercial market, and since all our shares have now been bought up by Motorola it made perfect sense to synthesise their technology with ours".
Strong design work has been already been carried out. Helen Johnston, Chief Development Consultant at Motorola told us that a wide range of phone colours were planned - to synthesise nicely with the relevant aeroplane liveries - and the phone ringing tones will be given a "proud international flavour". Added functionalities are also planned. "Roger" and "Over" will be replaced by the hash key and new hot keys will transmit automatic messages such as "Where am I?, "Oh God I've run out of fuel, what do I do?" and "Look out, I'm coming in at 500mph - we're all going to die!"
Safety concerns have been addressed and pilots will be supplied with extra batteries to make sure that the phones don't run out of power at inconvenient moments such as "take-off" and "landing". Questioned whether the mobile phones themselves would interfere with aircraft systems, Mr Chapman said that there was no problem at all, because from now on every plane ticket would come with a "complimentary parachute". He also noted that this development would allow pilots to be recruited at a much earlier age because "teenagers are so much more conversant with SMS technology". Early trials with "pay-as-you-go phones" were not a success because in two cases co-pilots had to be despatched by glider to the newsagents to buy fresh vouchers.
3rd June 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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