The rise of debt-consolidation firms such as Ocean Finance and Purple Loans is forcing traditional loan sharks out of business says a new report.
In the last few years there has been an increase in the number of options available to spendthrift idiots with no self-control. Harry Carlton of FT YourMoney told a news conference: "Formerly these idiots would go straight to the sharks when banks refused them more money on the grounds that it would only go on lifestyle accessories. Now they have a safety net and can trade in the otherwise inevitable broken fingers and kidnapped children, for thirty years of further financial penury, augmented by an initial new Armani suit or long weekend."
Debt-consolidation firms have proved adept in winning custom from sharks through extensive TV advertising, effectively focused on the target market of gullible daytime TV viewers. Retired shark Jimmy 'The Negotiator' Harris said: "It would be difficult for the sharks to fight back. A shark is an independent businessman who uses his local knowledge and network of contacts to generate business, it's going to be very hard to compete with TV advertising and no threat of bodily violence. And the knock on effects on subsidiary industries like protection and crooked accountancy could see hundreds of dishonest men put out of business."
14th June 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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