The Heinz corporation has been named in the United Nations as being a major contributor to global warming through its more than a century of marketing its range of baked beans.
Since 1882 when the first can of Heinz baked beans was put on the shelves of the food stores of the world, it is estimated that 14,623,862 to the power of 22, cubic metres of ozone depleting gases have been released into the atmosphere from the rear ends of those who have partaken in the product.
"This is almost as much as all the harmful gases released by all the coal-fired electricity power generating stations operating in the western hemisphere since 1922", said Herbert Nutcase of the Centre for Clean Air at Washington DC.
He added, "The melting of the Antarctic icecap can be directly attributed to the aggressive marketing campaigns of the Heinz Corporation and it is estimated that with India, which has just signed an import deal with Heinz to feed its starving millions with the product, that by 2006, New Zealand will be completely under water, save for Mount Cook which will be just protruding up from the Southern Ocean".
Heinz has hired a team of scientists to grapple with the problem and they say that initial tests of their new fart reduced product have proven very encouraging as only extremely gluttonous individuals who have consumed more than 5 or 6 500grm cans per day have become a gas factory.
Another major offender to global warming has also been identified. Mr Nutcase has warned that if David Blunkett is allowed to continue with his nonsensical raving at the same degree since he became Home Secretary, we can expect that the carbon dioxide he releases will cause mean temperatures throughout the world to increase 10 degrees by next year.
28th June 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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