A final solution to the seemingly intractable division between the Greek and Turkish communities of Cyprus was announced yesterday as David Copperfield confirmed that as a part of his next magic show he would "use the forces of mind control, dextrous hand movements and a 47 inch Stihl power saw" to separate North and South Cyprus.
The audacious plan to tear the two halves of the island asunder comes after Kofi Annan, the Secretary General of the United Nations, had to be physically restrained from attempting to split the island apart with "a woodman's axe, a splitting wedge and a large sledgehammer." Mr Annan had sneaked into the centre of the Green Line in Nicosia at midnight to vent his frustration after the Greek Cypriots voted against his plans to unify the two island communities.
9th June 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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