Al-Qaeda negotiators have been engaged in discussions with Mr al- Khan for several hours, encouraging him to overcome his feelings of loneliness and rejection and "do the decent thing and hit the detonator" but he has so far rejected their calls.
Meanwhile, Mr al- Khan has issued a set of demands including "proof of an afterlife and some sort of meeting with a Supreme Being." Negotiators are attempting to buy less time by offering an immediate meeting with "a senior prophet" although arguments continue as to his identity, however, Mr al-Khan has refused and is threatening to become an atheist or "possibly a Roman Catholic."
Mr al-Khan is believed to have become a suicide bomber after attending a training camp in Afghanistan last year where fellow trainees described him as unpopular and "something of a loner." They allege that he resented often being the last to be selected for team sports and that he also described one chapter from the Koran as "poorly written and totally unbelievable."
"He rarely took part in group bonding sessions and would frequently question the wisdom of blowing himself up in a crowded room full of innocent bystanders," claimed Shaheen Yazdam, who attended the same course and was part of Mr al-Khans final group project team, from which only 4 members survived. "Frankly he didn't really fit in. He'd often make unhelpful comments about the afterlife and asked why we couldn't get to sleep with virgins before matyrdom."
Speaking on behalf of al-Qaeda senior cleric Abu Qatada confirmed that although Mr al-Khan had "barely scraped through" his course-work and had had to resit his infidel theory paper, he had rapidly found employment as a Palestinian suicide bomber. Even here though, his new employers found him "distracted and unable to concentrate on the job at hand." "We will have to look into our screening process," claimed Mr Qatada. "We target disaffected young men and can usually rely on them being easily malleable and susceptible to the promise of as much sex as they like in the afterlife. However, if they start going off and thinking for themselves, all Hell could break loose. Or, even worse, the complete opposite."
It is believed that Mr al-Khan has also started to befriend his hostages, exhibiting the symptoms of the so called "Stockholm syndrome". Witnesses have allegedly overheard conversations within the group of suggestions about getting together for a barbeque or "next years Chanukah." Negotiators are keeping quiet on this subject, but it does appear that plans are being put into place to send in an anti-rescue squad of highly trained attackers to storm the building, seize Mr al-Khan and detonate his explosives before he has a chance disable them or release the hostages.
Commenting on the reports, Mr Qatada would only say that al-Qaeda must be careful to avoid a sudden rising up of "non-fundamentalist middle-of-the roadism" fuelled by liberalism and tranquil young men which could lead to the nightmare scenario of "peaceful protests, reasoned debate or, God help us, democracy."
1st June 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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