Tesco announced today that from next Monday it will no longer keep up the pretence of selling fresh items.
Traditionally, food sold in the UK's largest retailer was no more than 24 hours past its sell-by date - but in a move that is bound to see sparks flying amongst its profit-mongering peers, the company now plans to extend that deadline.
A senior spokesmanagement-trainee-cashier, Penelopy Chesthike said: "We feel there is a market out there for stale doughnuts, bread that remains hard no matter how long you microwave it for, and rubbishy mouldy mushrooms. We believe we can lengthen the shelf life of fresh fruit, vegetables, fish, and meat products, by substituting the word 'Fresh' for 'Real'.
Our aim is to bring to market real produce, none of which is any more than 72 hours past its original sell date. By extending the date backwards we can advance its life without penalty.
We also have plans to extend our world famous 'Value Range'. Currently we sell 'Value Rice' that has been swept up off the floor by our under-age Vietnamese workers; we will be using these same grateful slaves to harvest low-grade pig fat as a butter substitute, and to add more water and remove excess noodles from our Value Pot Noodle range.
Value Tea Bags, previously made from a high grade paper-pulp, will now be made from an environmentally friendly cardboard and loose wood chip mix. The tea content will remain the same, but there will be less of it.
Value pies will still use the same low-grade gristle and reconstituted bone as before, but contain a special man-made mineral-animal based rubber latex wool. Not only will this help extend the shelf life, it will give the contents less of a smell and be easier to chew."
In what is seen as a positive reaction to New Labours pledge to tackle obesity, the food giant says it has plans to single-handedly wean the public off expensive, fattening, and addictively tasty food, by going for expensive, fattening, stale and tasteless food.
Ms Chesthike went on, "The overall aim is to increase the value of management share options."
Elsewhere things are set to remain the same, with staff instructed to inanely ask customers with a loaf of bread and two cans of beans if they require help packing - when clearly no staff are available as cues remain four deep.
14th July 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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