Legal analysts say Saddam Hussein plans to fight charges of war crimes and genocide by pleading temporary insanity.
"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham."
Hussein told an Iraqi judge that he is also a CIA hitman, a Mesopotamian deity and a porn star known by the stage name Dick Tater.
The desperate Hussein also claimed he partied with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back in 1983-84. Noted legal superstar Johnnie Cochran told Oprah that Hussein's insanity defense is bolstered by the fact that President Bush has called him a "madman" approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 1, 2001.
But White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded that Bush used the term "rhetorically," much like the words "grave and gathering threat," "weapons of mass destruction" and "links to al Qaeda."
McClellan reminded reporters that God had specifically instructed President Bush to take over Iraq and fulfill his destiny as a war president, even if it meant getting thousands of people killed.
Hussein defense attorney F. Lee Chalabi said his client has been a "nutjob" since 1988 when he accidentally inhaled some mustard gas while wiping out some infidels.
His legal team estimates the American media has referred to Hussein as the "wacky Iraqi" an estimated 2.4 million times. "This is all theatre. The real criminal is Bush," a defiant Hussein told the judge while swatting away imaginary fruit flies and humming "U Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer.
"Hussein. Rhymes with 'insane'. Can you dig it?" concluded the wacky Iraqi madman.
10th July 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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