One of the world's largest internet porn servers has crashed dramatically, spilling millions of megabytes of hardcore pornography into the world wide web.
The resulting "URL slick" has already polluted an area of cyberspace the size of Wrexham, forcing many to flee their homepages and posing a serious threat to surfers, experts say.
All attempts so far to stem the flow of crude material from the crippled machine have failed, and many surrounding areas of web space have had to be evacuated as a precaution.
Volunteers at Google have already begun searching for survivors, and the Red Cross have started emailing much-needed aid packets to those still trapped online.
One survivor told us how she became trapped in a chatroom for over six hours, after it became flooded with anal fisting MPEGS:
"I was trapped beneath several hundred hot teen nympho sluts for what seemed like a lifetime" she told us, breathlessly.
"Eventually my dial-up connection timed-out and I was able to break free. God only knows what would would have happened had I been on cable - I'd probably still be in there."
The environmental cost of the disaster has still to be fully determined, though according to cyber-ecologists several thousand important sites have already been affected and many more are under threat.
Hundreds of worms and spiders have also been washed up on the eastern coast of the internet, coated in hot black filth. And, while dozens of volunteer workers have signed on to help clean up the stricken artifical life, the sticky nature of the content means that they are facing an up-hill struggle.
Dora Snockers, who runs an offline gopher sanctuary from a second hand Unix box in Ipswich says that even when the victims of the slick have been scrubbed clean of dirty data and nursed back to health, it could be years before it's safe for them to be returned to the wild web - the risk of more unrefined muck "popping up" later on remains a constant threat.
She also explained that she was entirely dependant on charitable contributions and would need a lot more cache to look after any more of the slick's victims.
An independent investigation has been launched to determine why the disaster happened and, though it's early days, there are already indications that the webmaster had been drinking, and was asleep when content began to leak from an insecure port.
25th July 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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