CNN Breaking News -- Kenneth Jenkins of Santa Barbara was officially let go as the official umbrella holder for pop star Michael Jackson. Attorneys for the singer say, "Do not Panic. This move will not harm Mr Jackson in any way. Mr Jackson has multiple redundant umbrella holders in reserve. Mr Jackson will be protected from the sun, the rain and the elements."
Reporters spoke with one of the backup holders ..
"I hate to see Kenneth go. He was a good umbrella holder, one of the best in the business. They say he even did part-time work for Jack Nicholson during the rainy season. I think he simply made a tragic mistake yesterday, twirling the umbrella clockwise when Mr Jackson was obviously in a counter clockwise sort of mood".
Google defines "Umbrella Holder" as ..
Your search - "umbrella holder" - did not match any documents. No pages were found containing "umbrella holder".
Michael Jackson defines Umbrella Holder as ..
"One who holds my umbrella".
CNN learned moments ago that Jackson's rose bearers have also been given notices of suspension. Although not visible during public appearances with Jackson, the rose bearers have been an integral, secret part of his life for years.
"Basically", Vogue editors say, "rose bearers walk behind Jackson and throw rose petals at his feet in honor of his royal, divine lordship of all that is".
Kenneth Jenkins told CNN,
"I have no hard feelings. Mr Jackson did what he thought was best for himself and the entire Jackson corporation. He gave me ample severance IOU's and promised he'd look me up if he ever needed a rickshaw puller or a grape feeder. Those folks that feed Mr Jackson grapes make big money I hear. Not as much as the ones that fan him with the giant banana tree leaves but there are so many job opportunities there at the ranch."
All major networks promise to interrupt any broadcasts that may be in progress the moment Mr Jackson's new Official Umbrella Holder is selected.
16th July 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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