The Government is attempting to outlaw religious hatred in the UK by making the Labour Party the country’s only legal faith.
Home Secretary David Blunkett announced the plans to a stunned House of Commons, claiming it was the only sensible way to heal the divisions in society that have appeared since the US/UK Coalition’s ‘war on terrorism’.
While other parties claim it is merely a ploy to revive Labour’s fortunes and ensure another term in office, Mr Blunkett said he was sending a clear message to the British people.
“You are either with the Labour Church or a criminal,” he said. “It’s that simple. Become a believer or go to jail.”
The new Church will be based loosely around the existing Governmental structure and, in a bid to appease all existing religions, will not commit to any higher divine force but will be united behind Prime Minister Tony Blair’s self-penned slogan: “My faith, your faith, our faith.”
The Labour Church hierarchy, likewise, will be neutral. The most bizarre Cabinet reshuffle ever will see Blair adopt the title ‘Grand Warrior for Truth and Enlightenment’.
Chancellor Gordon Brown becomes ‘Supermintman’, Blunkett assumes the title ‘Lord Dragoncatcher & Serpentslayer’, Foreign Secretary Jack Straw becomes ‘Emissary of the Force’ and Deputy Prime Minister John ‘Heidi Pies’ Prescott has chosen ‘The Annihilator’ as his preferred title.
8th July 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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