The Government today announced measures to ban snacking, a spokesman said, "too many of you lazy people are getting fat and between meals snacking is a prime culprit".
Evidence from the Statistical Office suggests that the average Briton eats between 3 and 4 kilo's of junk food a day and a banana every six weeks, five weeks if they're middle class.
Combination locks on frige doors and food cupboards will be introduced, and individuals will have to phone a government helpline to get permission to remove a carefully weighed portion of food and the entry code for the doors.
A pilot scheme will run from August this year on MP's themselves.
In reaction, both Nicholas Soames MP and Boris Johnson MP were too tearful to comment. John Prescott, who last year ate a large pig, followed by 17kg of sherry trifle, seems the only dissenting voice within the Labour benches.
6th July 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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