Gillette Recalls M3 Razors

Gillette Corporation has issued a recall of their new 'M3 Power' razor after several mishaps and one major accident.

The major accident involved a Nebraska man with an unusually large nose, according to company spokesperson Dwayne Shiddle; "The man had just purchased the M3 razor and was beginning to use it for the first time. The M3 uses a battery in the handle that vibrates the razor in order to lift facial hairs for a smoother, closer shave. Some of the early models have malfunctioned and vibrated at much too high a rate. This particular model did just that, and the resulting vibrations acted as some sort of propulsion, and the razor climbed up the mans nose and shaved his brain. While the man was thankfully not killed, he lost a good portion of his brain function and now can only clap his hands together and bark like a seal. While we at Gillette feel terrible about this, the M3 razor was still functioning when surgeons removed it. I think that says a lot about Gillette Quality!"

Several other mishaps have been reported, including dozens by women who may have been using the vibrating razor in an improper manner. "The razor's vibrating handle was designed to be held in one's hand not stuck in places it doesn't belong, and that's as far as I'm going to comment on that," said Shiddle.

A major redesign is scheduled for the M3, and word is that the name will be changed to 'M5' with the subsequent addition of two more blades, one more than the Schick Quattro. According to Shiddle: "We have designs for low level nuclear powered razors with up to 25 blades. If Schick wants to play blade one-upsmanship, we at Gillette say 'bring it on'! Additionally, in order to prevent accidental brain shavings, a wider blade and vibration damper control will be part of the new design."

"And... last but not least", sighed Shiddle, "we have incorporated a much wider, longer handle with raised pleasure ribs and a special handle lubricant ...for those who continue to insist on misusing the product."

1st July 2004
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