The White House admitted today that it may have been mistaken about the fact that Iraq had anything to do with the September 11 Attacks on New York, Washington, D.C. or the downing of United Airlines Flight 93 in Pennsylvania. In addition, the Administration conceded that Iraq did not represent an “ongoing threat” nor did it shelter Al Qaida fighters. They do however offer an explanation for the lapse.
An unnamed White House source, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “It was a simple mix-up really. We knew that all the information we gathered, you know, the atomic weapons program, aiding Terrorists, all of that stuff was actually true. We also knew that it was an “I” country, either Iran or Iraq. We took a shot at Iraq, basically because that’s who we wanted it to be. So it was actually Iran, but what the hell. It keeps the old Middle East threat pot bubbling along. And if we make it through to November without getting scalped at the Polls on election day we have four more years to, shall we say, increase our grip in the region?”
Just as the Bush Administration was successful at linking Saddam Hussein with the 9/11 attacks in the American people’s imagination, spin doctors in the West Wing are busily creating a scenario that links two of the regions most implacable enemies, Iran and Iraq, as co-conspirators against the United States. The hope is that by proving that Iran posed the greater threat now Washington can legitimise it’s attacking Iraq then, or something like that.
The source speaking on the condition of more anonymity continued, “It’s convoluted I know, but hey, you work with what you got. Here’s how it goes: it’s lucky that we were wrong about Iraq and invaded them because now we own Iraq and Afghanistan that means we have two countries that share a thousand miles of border with the real enemy- Iran. Pretty smart of us, huh? Yeah, and it’s the Iranians that are causing all the insurgency trouble we’re having in Iraq so by invading Iran we can make everything all better. Of course, we could also be talking about starting World War III, but we think it’s worth a gamble.”
21st July 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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