A scientific analysis of literally thousands of recent government and university studies reveals that the world is even more fucked up than you thought.
The studies demonstrate that most people are dishonest, lazy, and have at least one body part in dire need of better hygiene.
Just under half of all people are stupid, approximately a quarter suffer from undiagnosed mental illnesses, and roughly four in ten enjoy disgusting sexual fantasies on a daily basis.
Organisations fare no better than individuals in the studies, beginning with the world's companies, which squander billions of pounds annually on luxurious perks for executives and Internet porn for everybody else.
Governments at all levels waste even more money, primarily on Internet porn-blocking software and worthless studies that are highly critical of comercial companies.
Meanwhile, religious organisations waste less money than companies or governments but are responsible for the majority of the world's violence and child molestation.
The most disturbing findings, however, center on the world's Internet users, who spend inordinate amounts of time surfing worthless crap on the web while touching themselves inappropriately through their clothing.
On the bright side, the studies reveal that business is booming for handbasket manufacturers worldwide and for estate agents in hell.
20th July 2004
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the DAILY SPOT
“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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