Hydrologists advising the Royal Parks Agency, which is responsible for the overall running of the recently opened and closed Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain, have issued a statement blaming the water for a series of embarassing debacles which led to a General Belgrano-style one mile exclusion zone being clamped on the ill-fated water feature in London's Hyde Park.
Speaking to the AM News Agency, a Thames Water consultant said: "It was supposed to be crystal clear, sparkling and wet. That's what the taxpayer stumped up three and a half million pounds for, which is roughly the annual turnover for Evian consumption at the late Princess's favourite restaurant the nearby San Lorenzo.
"However, it now appears a rival company's water has been used, one which is specifically marketed for its algae-growing capabilities that produce the characteristic slime so beloved by vegans and fans of colonic irrigation.
"As a result, the Fountain became the water-feature equivalent of a Petrie-dish, producing a slippery substance that automatically peels off the swimwear from unsuspecting members of the public before growing a culture of their DNA from bodily emissions deposited via the action of ultra violet-light on the water.
"Our technicians were managing to keep up with the subsequent filtration adjustments needed to keep the Fountain in good working order when an unexpected pilgrimage from the Franklin Mint Diana Souvenir Fan Club descended on the water-feature after an article in the Christian Science Monitor reported miraculous healing properties attributed to it.
"Several of these pilgrims then claimed to have received visions of the late Princess after ritual worship and ablutions, telling them that it was 'Camilla who did it'. A number of them also claimed to have fallen pregnant after imbibing a few mouthfulls, contrary to all medical expectations, triggering some tricky lawsuits.
"Our lawyers have thus advised us to close the facility with immediate effect and cut off the supply pool from the neighbouring Buckingham Palace domestic water re-cycling unit."
The Royal Parks Agency is advising visitors that they are still welcome to jump into the neighbouring Serpentine to cool off in this heated climate.
29th July 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
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