Frozen food manufacturer Birds Eye has started a wave of panic buying on the UK’s high streets after revealing that it was embarking on a £4m exercise to remove all additives from its products.
Shoppers are loading up their freezers with E-packed burgers and fish fingers in sheer terror at going ‘cold turkey’ and facing additive free meals.
While the company is committing £25m to persuade shoppers, at a time when the nation is struggling against declining health and expanding waistlines, that this is a sensible and healthy move, it seems Britain just loves its additives.
“They say they are replacing all these things with Rosemary extract,” said mum-of-two Rhona Harrison, of Dagenham. “That’s disgusting. Who the hell is Rosemary?”
“We’ve got e-mail, why can’t we have E-burgers?”
Mrs Harrison, like hundreds of other housewives, snapped up every Birds Eye product available at her local supermarket. And with sell-by dates well into the next decade, she just hopes she has enough to keep her children satisfied.
“I don’t know how the kids will react when they come off the E numbers,” she said. “It’s all they’ve ever known.”
If the health benefits are proved, police have confirmed that ‘Captain Birdseye’ could face prosecution for years of enticing healthy children out to sea and to eat additive-laden fish fingers, as well as being party to one of the most annoying advertising jingles in living memory.
Footnote: White fish is free from all food-additives when it is landed at UK ports and only contains natural traces of oil pollution, radiation and human sewage.
7th July 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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