Recently de-bearded Transport Secretary, Alister Darling, 29, today put forward his proposals to gridlock Britain and create traffic chaos within five years. The plan (Darling's first since leaving school) has been hailed as nothing short of miraculous by Labour's front bench.
The Secretary for transport has long held a grudge against criminal and wanton internal combustion engine misuse, and is widely seen as keen to punish the minority group of people who insist on using vehicles for everyday non-medical emergency use.
"My plan is bold, simple, and courageous. I will take on the little guy and win" Darling (nee Treasure) told the enthralled commons audience.
"Step One will involve the removal of tarmac from all non-essential roads. This will include some motorways, for not only are these wide roads boring, they encourage law breaking speeders to do just that.
The M25 will be kept intact; but reduced to one lane of tarmac, one lane of cobbles, and one lane of non-biological dirt, for non-emergency use.
Step Two will see the re-introduction of The Red Flag Act, that was wisely invented by my great Great Great Great grandfather, Hillary Gorgeous Darling-Love. Primarily for use in low built-up areas, it will also be operated at my discretion throughout the kingdom when i feel the people have gone far enough. Another positive by-product of this bold initiative will be the creation of work for thousands of civil servants, mainly as flag holders walking in front of vehicles to govern excess speed, but also in flag production, of which my second cousin, Henry Real-Darling, has put in an extremely competitive tender.
Step Three will rationalise all non-essential and frivolous routes. The A303 running through Dorset, Wiltshire and Devon will be reduced to a bus lane. Members of the public must be educated in the use of public transport for holiday travel. The A40 will surrender one side of its carriageway to Heathrow for extra runway space. The other side will become a bus lane. Further roads revisions will be revealed in due time.
In step four, my department, that i run, will give my old department that i used to run, The Treasury, a lot of spare motorists' cash. I will clamp down on greedy vehicular operators: making them think twice before setting out in the steel monster. Fuel duty will be increased by introducing a triple-bypass escalator. This will triple the amount of fuel escalation that my ex-department, of which i was the boss, receives. Car tax will be raised to a fair, and some would say prudent limit, never being higher than 20% of the drivers take home pay, or half-banked savings. Whichever is the greater.
Step Five will pave the way towards total road nirvana. Toll booths will be set up at every remaining second right-hand turn, where a fee will be extracted. This will prevent criminals from driving without paying, unless they go round in circles. The state-of-the-state booths will be operated by remote satellite controlled robots, which my son has been working on." To tumultuous applause, Darling took his seat, and left with it, heading to the subsidised commons bar where he began telling fellow regular Luddites how he was going to learn the soft southerners
22nd July 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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