In a shock announcement today the global pharmaceutical corporation Pfizer confirmed the end of their relationship with the worlds most famous footballer Pele. They confirmed today that Pele’s contract for the endorsement of their best selling impotence drug Viagra will not be renewed.
In a simultaneous announcement they announced the new spokesperson for the wonder drug to be Barney The Purple Dinosaur. Barney has in the past endorsed such companies as Microsoft, and Hasbro but Pfizer claimed to be very happy with their new spokesman.
We would like to think that our customers see us in much the same way as children see barney” said Ned Seagoon, Head of Marketing for the drugs company. “he has a big purple head and he pops up when you least expect him, so in may ways we think Barney is the perfect ambassador for our revolutionary product.”
“We are sad to say goodbye to Pele but we felt that someone famous for kicking balls was no longer the kind of association we were looking for with our range of uplifting pharmaceuticals” continued Seagoon. The Purple Dinosaur then made an appearance at the press conference, handing out little blue diamond shaped pills to the assembled roomful of journalists.
“Hello every body, I’m Barney the Dinosaur” announced the ever cheerful tyrannosaurus derivative, “you know sometimes its hard being hard so why not do what I do and stand up proud and shout Boom Boom, Agalaga Boom Boom, Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur” He then continued to prance around whilst annoyingly lipsynching to a rather good Was not Was song.
Pele, who was not present made a statement later in the day stating that he was disappointed but not overly so by the news and that he would be looking forward to the extra leisure time the development created for him. "People who are questioning my endorsing such a product should bear in mind that whenever I was in the box I scored and I have always been known as a keen dribbler" added the one time striker. Mrs Pele, was understood to be less happy as his extra time at home will not be bolstered by a free supply of the product he once endorsed.
Barney on the other hand was busy singing and generally prancing around the room to a gathering of Journalists who strangely did not seem to want to stand up to leave. His entertainment went on long into the night, which also upset Mrs Pele.
6th August 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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