Scientists develop new swearword

A group of linguists from Bristol have stunned the world by producing the first new English swearword in decades. The discovery is a tremendous victory for British science, which still manages to lead the world despite massive underfunding from the government.

“We started by analysing existing swearwords,” said Professor Susannah Folio from the Cartington Institute for Linguistic Novelty. “We noticed that most of the best swearwords – the classic ‘four letter words’ such as crap – had one vowel with a consonant or consonant cluster on either side. It was clear we had to follow the same pattern. But we didn’t lose sight of such classics as arse and wanker either.”

And the new word itself? Chud. You can describe someone as a chud or chudlifter, or talk about how chudding annoying something is. “We’ve still got a few issues to iron out,” said Professor Folio, “like just how bad the swearword is. Personally, I’d like to see it placed right at the top of the scale, above cunt. We’ve seen a real deflation in swearword intensity over recent years and so we need to introduce some new taboos.

“But we’ve already decided what it refers to. A chud is any apparently useless flap of skin attached to a set of genitals. It’s the first gender-neutral swearword,” she added proudly. “That was a big part of our remit.”

11th August 2004
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