A study released today shows that most net surfers penises are already too big for their partners. The problem, a result of the ever increasing number of "Penis Enlargement, Click here" adverts is particularly serious in countries where Internet penetration is the most widespread and where the English tongue used by the spammers is widely spoken.
According to sociologist Hoonz Blardehardar from the Stockholm institute for sex studies, Finland, Denmark and white-collar workers in the UK have been heavily hit.
"The problem is that people don't realise that the active agent in the enlargement process is a biochemical intercellular reaction caused by a psychosomatic feedback mechanism in the brain.”
In other words, the enlargement happens during the act of clicking.
“Many users are thinking they will see a web site selling a product once they are clicking.” Blardehardar explained. “Some are then clicking and clicking and clicking over and over again... The result may only become visible during erection many hours later and for some it's a terrible surprise.”
Bardehardar has been working with Millimail technologies, one of the principle spammers to come up with a solution for the marital anguish that may result.
"We lost quite a few months at Millimail trying to develop a Penis Shrinkage, click here" ad but it has so far proved to be technically impossible." Millimail development manager Steven Span said:
"We have, however managed to come up with "Vaginal enlargement, click here" and an "Anal enlargement click here" ads which in beta phase tests have been working well.
Oral enlargement, lick here seems possible too.”
“People can expect to see these popping up in their mailboxes over the next month or so... But we’ve learnt our lesson… we’ll be adding warnings to these new generation messages only to click once..."
1st August 2004
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the DAILY SPOT
“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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