According to the plans drawn up by Secret Washington Missile Defence Laboratory "Ka-Boom!", a live nuclear missile will be launched from a US submarine in the Mediterranean at the Welsh thoroughfare, and the so-far untested orbital lasers will have a matter of minutes to shoot it out of the sky before it devastates "an area the size of Cardiff" which will in this case actually be Cardiff.
Scientists claim that the Welsh people have little to worry about as there is "at least a 54% chance of success - even more if we can be bothered to concentrate a bit." Although, they have warned that nearby towns and cities should expect "collateral damage" as the aptly named "Death Star" satellite's lasers are aligned.
Speaking in the Commons, yesterday, Tony Blair defended the decision. "We've all got to play our part in the war on bad people. I'd trust George with my life, and there's no better way for the people of south Wales to show their willingness in the global war on nastiness than to do the same. You're either with us, or against us. Either way, our legal team assures me that we have the right to incinerate you whenever we deem proper. It's your choice."
In a special broadcast on S4C, Bush told the Welsh people "Look, you liberals are moanin' now. But when we switch this thing on for real in a couple of years, and all the old cold war treaties go up in smoke, you better pray that this thing works. Yeah, sure it's risky - and there will be many casualties. But as my Saudi friends point out, if you want an omelette, you've got to break a few legs."
Asked why the test was being performed with live missiles and human targets, instead of - say - in the middle of the desert or at the bottom of the ocean, Bush responded "You wouldn't believe the bullshit I'd get from the environmentalists if I suggested that. In any case, I think this is really going to sharpen the minds of those boys in white coats. Y'know, if they know it's just a simulation, they don't really give it everything they've got."
The President was also criticised over the US Army's new range of weapons, which some "unpatriotic commies" claim are unnecessarily inflammatory. "The TurbanHunter3000 missiles are not indiscriminate," he claimed. "They specifically only target people dressed like the terrorists in movies I've seen on TV."
Meanwhile, the people of Cardiff have been given government leaflets to read entitled "What To Do In The Event Of You and Your City Being Destroyed In a Sixty Megaton Nuclear Blast" and "Fifty Thousand Times More Powerful Than The Bomb That Destroyed Hiroshima - How Big Is That Really?" As Emyrs Williams, a local resident told us "It couldn't be worse than Rhys Ifans, or God Save Us Hywel bloody Bennett, now could it?"
23rd August 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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