The Pope openly denounced homosexuality yesterday in a meeting with papal authorities and reporters, pointing out that if God had wanted men to be gay, he would not have created tight pussies and huge tits.
Addressing the growing concern amidst papal authorities that homosexuality is in the process of being “mainstreamed” after the United States passed a bill allowing same-sex marriage, the Pope stood firm on what he has continually said is the only reality of the situation, that homosexuality is forbidden by the Bible.
Yet this time the Pope added to his statement and said God’s abhorrence to male union can be seen working in our natural world. After alluding to William Paley’s 18th century work Natural Theology, in which Paley argues for the existence of God by analysing a watch, the Pope outlined a similar argument using close-fitting vaginas and large breasts.
“The intricate and delicate organisation of the constricted vaginal opening combined with a pair of huge, heaving bosoms, is overwhelming evidence that God would rather men lay with women than with one of their own,” the Pope said.
The Pope said that this should once and for all convince mankind that homosexual unions are immoral. “The Bible no longer need be depended on to convince the masses that homosexuality is immoral, because the ordinary workings of female anatomy prove it,” he said.
“What sort of God would our Lord be if he created men to put their cocks into the hairy, stinky poopy pipes of other men?” the Pope asked. “Obviously that is not meant to be.”
Papal authorities disavow that the Pope has first-hand experience with the matters of female anatomy, and says the Pope’s most recent realisation about the inappropriateness of homosexuality came after the Vatican viewed several Hustler and Max Hardcore pornographic videos for “research purposes.”
“We were looking to see deeper into the minds of those inflicted with sexual addiction by studying adult entertainment videos,” Cardinal San Domino said. “It was during a seminar where we observed the intensity of pleasure the female body was giving to a gentlemen referred to as Max Hardcore, that the Pope, momentarily awaking from a nap, claimed he saw something deeper than sexual addiction, that he saw the complete argument against homosexuality.”
San Domino said that seconds later the Pope again fell into a restful pose, but that when awaking some weeks later, the experience of pleasure Max Hardcore had encountered while being mounted by the large-breasted female was still fresh in his mind. “This was several weeks ago. And since the United States has suddenly thrown in the towel concerning this virus of sexuality, many had been wondering if the Catholic Church, too, would soon be doing the same. But I think that after hearing the Pope today, the world can rest assured that although homosexuality appears to be succeeding on some fronts, in the heart of God it is doomed.”
16th August 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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