Mr Blair explained that given the problems of BSE, fox-hunting and Foot and Mouth disease he was "thoroughly fed up with the whole thing" and the best way of dealing with these problems was to abolish the countryside, "lock, stock and broken-down tractor."
He announced that from midnight tonight the army would be moving in to seal off the countryside. Downing Street advisors have suggested that the countryside could then be broken up and towed away, possibly to somewhere really unpleasant "like Afghanistan".
From henceforth the Government has agreed that all towns and cities in the UK will now be brought together by a process of "really tightening up the Green belt". Manchester will now begin at the outskirts of Birmingham, and London will immediately be merged into Oxford, Milton Keynes and Canterbury.
Officials have, however, suggested that some parts of the countryside may be saved by being parcelled off and sold on to the highest bidder. Various rich Americans are particularly keen on adding the Pennines to their rolling Texas prairies "to give them a bit of variety". Large parts of Devon may be sold off to the Walt Disney Corporation as part of its new rustic theme park in Florida. Some hilly parts of Yorkshire have also been set aside for plugging-in flooded areas of the Netherlands.
Warming to his theme the Prime Minister then suggested we could "throw away Northern Ireland as well, and for that matter, Wales," before being chloroformed by his Press Secretary.
A government spokesperson said: "The countryside has had this coming for a long time. You can only go for so long being a drain on resources, generally being a bit infected and looking unkempt and muddy - frankly, it had to go." said
In response the National Farmers' Union saya that if the countryside is abolished then they won't have anything to complain about, and that this "will be all the Government's fault."
25th August 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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