A new study commissioned by Newcastle University has revealed that almost all of the nation’s sheep are currently suffering, to one degree or another, from Shit-Covered Ass Disease.
“A lot of us in the scientific community were shocked by the data,” admitted Gary Powell, an Associate Professor of Farm Animal Biology at Newcastle University. “I mean we knew the condition was prevalent, but to see it in basically a hundred percent of the sheep population, well, it just staggers the mind.”
Farmers, however, were not surprised by the news.
“Sheep don’t wipe their asses,” said David Jones, a local sheep farmer. “Never have, never will.”
Jones went on to explain his theory that the reason so many sheep are afflicted by SCAD, as scientists have dubbed it, is that sheep do a lot of shitting, and that shit tends to stick to wool.
“That’s just my opinion though,” added Jones, who went on to explain that, “I ain’t no scientist boy o’.”
The full report will be published in next month’s edition of Wonders of Science.
18th August 2004
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“I am delighted that my challenge has been backed by over 1/3 of all labour MPs and that I that I secured the support of 14% more MPs than I needed to spark a leadership contest. Or to put it another way, that is a 70% increase on what was required, allowing for seasonal adjustments due to absenteeism which is measured by an index based upon a propensity for sickness and holiday averaged out over a 36 month period, divided by the average age of an MP squared. These figures could not send out a clearer message.”
The notoriously frosty relationship between the PM and his Chancellor had sunk to new lows in the weeks leading up to todays announcement. In an off the record interview with Heat Magazine, Brown is said to have criticised Blair for being a “spineless spin master whose supposed superiority has seen success only sporadically”. When the alleged leader of the opposition, Michael Howard, confronted Mr Blair in the Commons repeating Brown’s remarks, the PM could not hide his anger:
“My message is simply this – in my mind, if it is anything more than mere mischief making by the most malicious magazine on the market, then myself and my honourable friend must meet so he may make known his misgivings to me.” Blair did add that he was confident that the Chancellor had been misquoted. In private however, according to an unnamed cabinet source, Blair was said to be seething at the magazine article and at one stage threatened Brown saying “I should beat you to death with your own leg”.
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